You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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