just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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