The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
