Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
