My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
