hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
