How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize