did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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