There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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