dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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