You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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