It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize