I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
