chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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