She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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