apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
