i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
