Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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