also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
