sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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