Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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