i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
