I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize