If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize