someone get that fucking seahorse.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
