I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
