boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
