Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have aggressive nipples.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
