New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
