Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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