i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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