I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize