I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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