wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
