Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
