Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
