no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize