why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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