Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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