Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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