my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
