My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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