Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize