You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
His nipple licking is glorious
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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