seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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