My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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