I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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