don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
