I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
