fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just forgot I was standing up.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
