I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
