Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
