WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize