The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize