eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
