Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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