**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize