woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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