I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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