people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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