I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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