Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
