I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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